Last night My sweet baby girl, who has been sick all week, fell on the stairs. I was making dinner, Harry was setting up his new phone, Patrick was playing with Legos (his new object du jour) and Riley was upstairs for some unknown reason. She fell and her little arm went through the slats of the railing and twisted. She cried and screamed for over 50 minutes holding her arm in very peculiar "I AM REALLY HURT" ways. She could not eat (even when offered chocolate - then I KNEW something was up) and just could not stop crying. It was not like her to be so upset for so long.

We called the Nurses Hotline at our local hospital to see if it was ER worthy. Other than her screaming there was NOTHING else to indicate something broke. No redness, no swelling, she had mobility though would not do it on her own (every time she moved her arm she screamed) and I did the lifeguard trick - lightly squeeze to see if there was any point of extreeme pain or swelling unobservable to the eye. Nothing.

STill after 50 + minutes, that was enough. A local Swedish ER had a pediatrician there and Harry took her. I gave her Motrin because she was hurting so badly, and off they went.

Apparently by the time they got there she was a different kid, laughing, WAVING with the "bad hand" and just acting like nothing happened. The Dr seemed to think if it was anything it was a sprain, but that either way a break wont show up on an XRAY for wee ones for several days especially if it is a hairline fracture. I had never heard of such a thing. The Motrin obviously did its job. She was given a beanie baby and Harry felt a bit like a silly person going all the way to the ER, but honestly if you had seen her you would have gone too!

This morning she was right as rain. I am thankful but wonder what that was even all about.  ANYWAY we are thankful she is fine. That roller coaster of parenthood is a rocky ride!

I am sure this is the first of MANY trips to the ER with her....may they all be as uneventful!

OK so I went to the informational. I remain, as ever, completely against the Gastric Bypass surgery. Again, I mean absolutely no offense to anyone who has been brave enough to have had this extreeme surgery done and survived it (the mortality rate is higher than 2%, meaning 2 in 100 people die from the surgery itself!) but in my EVER so humble (and never so silent) opinion cutting into a perfectly healthy organ is not my idea of the way for me to go. It seems to add complications when I am trying to minimize the already mounting complications. I am frightened enough without those odds. (And I hate to say this, but I have VERY good reason to believe that the mortality rate is even higher in different states, WA among them....I wonder why? Experience? Infections? I wonder)

Now, last night I walked into the room, and maybe I am in COMPLETE denial, or maybe I just remember being thin too well, but I was not nearly the size most of the people in that room were and NO ONE believed me when I was brave enough to discuss my actual weight. (Which by the way, in case you are clocking me, I have gained some back....I am now rocking around 245 on a 5'2" frame...no fun). Still I carry it differently. The gal next to me was about the same weight and was a lot larger than I was or so it seemed. She was wearing a full two sizes bigger than I am. I am told that is muscle from my swimming days and the fact that I still work out regularly but I feel like a wilda beast when I am left to myself. 

Here is what I learned in Big people terms from one scared person considering it to another, if you are reading this:

1. The Lap Band is different than Gastric Bypass or the Route Y surgery in that nothing is actually cut in your stomach. There is no permanent alterations to the God Given you that is you. It is rather like putting a pony tail on your tummy so that you fill up faster with smaller ammounts and feel full longer. That said you MUST make the calories you do eat count so that you maintain the proper nutrients in your system. Not only that, but contriband foods, like bready bread or rice or something can form balls of food that will not pass through the hole left by your pony tail band and that which cant go down will come back - and violently so. Blech. How is that for some powerful "Hey, Moron, dont put that in your mouth!" help?
2. The Lap Band is the least invasive of all the gastric surgeries. It is done completely laproscopically and has a mortality rate of less than 0.05% (as opposed to the gastric bypass where they actually cut your stomach and re-attach your intestines which has a slightly greater than 0.5% mortality). To put it in perspective, the Lap Band surgery has a lower mortality rate than a Hernia surgery I understand. Not sure about specifics but if you had a hernia you would have that surgery. AND the recovery time is pretty damn fast. You are walking THAT day....and not the "Oh my God kill me now please" painful walk that a C-Section patient has to do, I am talking within 3 days you can walk on a tread mill in most cases. From what I was told by patients and read on the web it feels VERY sore, like you did a million crunches, but not dibilitating.
3. The scars of gastric surgeries from the 90's are history. Because it is Laproscopic there are 5 little incision points instead of a big gash down your whole abdomen. Less cutting means less chance for infection, less de-hissing (opening up) and less scar. All good things.
4. It is completely reversible. In fact it is easier to take out than put in. It is not recommended that you take it out though, but if you were sick or there was a malfunction you are not "stuck". WIth the Gastric bypass, one little staple leaks and that is the end of the game, it is catastrophic. Listen, I had many staples with my C-Section's and BOTH times two came out early and left BIG stripy scars as a result. Internally that would have killed me on my stomach in a gastric bypass. How often does a staple not work? A little leak , the tiniest imperfection, is catastrophic. But with the Lap Band there are no staples, there is no cutting, in most cases your stomach returns right back to what it was before the surgery if you have it removed (otherwise I have a vision of your hair after a pony tail, how it is creased, but not broken I guess?). I like that there is an "oh Shit" button in case the damn thing malfunctions or I get sick or it is infected or whatever. I am planning on success here, but the fact that there is a chance for error and a correct key makes me sigh a little easier, you know?
5. I listened to the Dr say that ths Lap Band is like a pace maker for your stomach. Listen you do not get to be over 100 pounds overweight, which I am, and you might be if you are reading this, without an unhealthy take on food. You dont get a pace maker without an unhealthy heart. You would not remove your pace maker because your heart started working better with it, would you? Your heart would relapse or worse. I believe that is the idea behind maintaining the Lap Band for the longevity cycle of your life. The port is replacible if it errordes (which it should not) and again, it is replacible in its entirety if need be, but the point is, my unhealthy stomach needs some help.
6. Dieting is simple but it is not easy. Only something like 5% of people who diet can maintain healthy eating and weight loss afterwards. 5% is a high mortality rate, but it is a low sucess rate. That means 95% of people who try fail. How you like those odds? I can tell you personaly it sucks. I have personally gained and lost several Nicole Ritchies in my lifetime and she always comes back with her party friends, a few extra pounds. SOrry, Nicole, you just seemed like an easy target here. The last "diet" I REALLY tried at 20/20 Lifestyles in Bellevue, Wa. completely worked, I lost 75 pounds and immediately got pregnant. Admittedly I ate like a pig and gave up, gained it ALL back and some. Now I gotta start over. WIth two kids, a household and my age, plus all the extra factors (High BP, PCOS and insullin resistance, and pain - I need some help.)
7. You NEED to go to the support meetings, STudies show that people who attend meetings are more likely to succeed than those who "go it alone" and I will NOT go through all this just to feel even more alone. No thanks.

Help is what I am looking for. The Lap Band will not fix me. It will not work on its own. If I eat through the throwing up or cheat my way around the band, it will be an expensive piece of conversation. It wont work. If I commit, if I listen to the Dr's and my trainer, I can use the tool of the band to help me eat less but also make the less that I eat count. There is no cure for PCOS but with dieting right which the band will help me do, I CAN reverse the effects of Insullin Resistance and Hyper Tension. Taking the weight off my knees and back will help with the pain and give me energy. I will chart my journey, and must tell you I am scared.

I am scared for failure again. I am scared of the colosial change I am about to sign off on and I am scared that I will not be able to give up my "friends" (bread, sugar, rice, pasta...these guys help me deal with stress. I must find a new outlet). There is counseling that goes with this. I meet with the counselor in a few weeks. Then there are groups. They occur every month, and will be very welcome.

I may be scared of failing....again....but I will tell you something else. I am WAY more scared of being a couch potato who is too tired to chase her kids and participate in their lives because she is cranky and needs more sugar. SUre I will be VERY cranky at first (can you say withdrawl anyone?) but in the long run, I will feel better I am sure of it.

My trainer is coming with me to my meeting wi the Dr. at NW Weighloss Surgery next month. He will be with me every step of the way. Between him, my primary care physician who I will see on the 21st to do extra blood works and get started and the bariatric surgeon and the support groups I will need only a few others to sign on to the "team" as I do this. My husband...who will eat the new foods (and likely loose weight faster than me at first - he did so with the 20/20) but who will lovingly enjoy helping me reach my goals - if only to enjoy the new "Me" on the other side! My kids and my family will need to be on board too. There is SO much to consider before going, no more being impulsive for me. I commit to doing EVERYTHING they tell me to for one year. I will wear a bracelet to remind me of my commitment as well. If in a year I am not feeling better (not just down a considerable amount of weight, but I mean off medications and feeling better in general) we will need to re-evaluate. But I remain convinced if I fully commit that will not be the case.

I am not sure how open I want to remain, though I certainly let it all out above, didn't I? I will likely try to put up pictures so you can walk the journey with me, help me stay honest, and know I am trying REALLY hard to turn things around around here.