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February 27 Heavy Hearted Seeking ChangeIt has been a few weeks since I quit working abruptly. There are days when I question myself and the emotionality of the circumstances that lead me to quit abruptly and without notice. If I had misinterpreted the situation, I felt sure someone would contact me and say I had, but no one did, so I am left with that sinking feeling that I was being singled out as a problem in one or many ways. Still unsure what I did that was the "problem" there is no real closure so I am left worried that whatever I did I will do again and the repeat performance will be as painful....though you cant live in fear, can you? No you cannot. I try not to dwell, but today is a "work day" or would be, so I think about it and my old students and how I cared about what I was doing and how much I loved the job and the place and yes the people....like a break up where the guy says, "It is not you, its me...see ya" and walks away without telling you more, it leaves you wondering how did I become such a deficit? Such a malady that I was undesirable? But then I must remind myself I did the leaving. It is complicated. At any rate, driving my son to school today we sang and talked about painting this afternoon. Riley is taking a nap, I am doing laundry and cleaning so that when he comes home (if it is dry) we can go outside and paint "nature" and that is something to look forward to for sure! Keep it light, keep it moving and keep it focused on what is important....right now it is all about the kids. As it should be. This Friday I will go to the local Public School to meet with the Principal and ask questions about the program and see the school for the first time. I missed the original parents day because I was not notified it was happening and to be honest I was pretty convinced Patrick would go to the school I was working at so I was not paying close attention. Obviously things are different now, Catholic Education has said that they do not want me or my children...got it...moving on. So, I am compiling questions, thinking about what I hope to see, etc. as I prepare myself for the next big stage of parenthood: Elementary school! Holy schmoly! I cannot believe he is a whopping big 5 year old! I dont know how many entries I will use to say that, but it is always a true statement. SO wish me luck painting with my big beautiful boy and his darling Fairy sister....How fortunate I am that this is my day today and how thankful I am to be here now. February 24 "Looser" Is Such A Strong WordMy 5 year old son is AWESOME. He tells great stories, has a heart the size of a continent and can name many many facts about bugs I would never know. He has a yellow belt in Aikido and is trying very har to get to his next stripe and is about to start baseball. He loves his sister, is starting to read and can play a mean game of hide-and-go-seek. He can tell you it is Lent and knows what Easter means and why it is more important than Christmas. He is awesome. But last night be broke my heart when he cried, "I am a looser! I will never do anything right! Andy is even better than I am at Aikido!" Aw....
I tried to outline that different people do different things. Andy, one of his best buds, is admittedly an Aikido stud. He goes a lot more often than Patrick and has better coordination than my boy in the more physical sense. That, however, does not make Andy better, or Patrick better, it makes them different. Explaining this is a difficult task though. SO I have taken to commending him when he does something well. I do not falsly praise him all the time, that would not help. I have been saying, "We all have special strengths, we cant all be good at everyhing, how boring would that be? Some people are REALLY good at playing an instrument, some at running and sports, others at telling stories, as you grow you will find what you are good at. If there is something you WANT to be good at that you do not feel you really are, you must work harder to learn your strengths in that area." I feel like a second rate Yoda, but what else can you do?
This morning he was playing with his Bug microscope. It said loudly after he answered some question correctly about Daddy Long Legs that I did not even know (Apparently they are not true spiders, did you know that? I didn't but Patrick did) it said, "You are a bug expert!" WOW an expert! I said, "Patrick I dont even know these things, and I went to college and am a teacher! See, there are a great many things about you that are great! There are no loosers in this family!" He just said, "Well, it is not like being good at Aikido. No no it is not, but we all learn to do what we can do, my sweet boy.
These things are tough. I remember agonizing over breastfeeding or bottle feeding. This seems SO much harder! I looked on line and saw that Antidepressants are on the rise in the Pre-Schooler age group...WTF? I mean, sure I can admit that there must be edge cases where severity trumps what seems like common sense...kids need these experiences to shape them. They are hard and you wish you could shield them, but everyone must go through them to be who we become. Depression in 5 and younger kids? WOW. Dont you think as a society we might be over using these meds? I just cant see it. I was shocked. I still am. I dont even know exactly what to say, except that pills do not answer everything.
February 20 Remember When?
Marriage is More Than CompromiseYou know, there are waves in any relationship. As you roll along, you experience familiar happiness in new ways all over again. Sure the new shiny crazy love has matured, but if you stick with it, surfing the waves of marriage can be quite a ride! It may not sound wildly romantic, but you know, being married almost 10 years, the wild romance makes way for real romance. There are days when it comes and days when it goes and then there are those days when your spouses love shines so real and so bright that you cannot deny what you have always had and that you are among the most fortunate of women to be included in the "married" world.
Recently I had to resign from a group of people for which I obviously was not a welcome member. I thought I was, for years I worked with them, but in reality I never really "belonged" I guess. I was busy so I never noticed until recently when I was told that I did not understand the responsibilities it required to become a "real" member of their society. I guess the last 7 years was not proof enough. I was SO hurt at first, then angry. It was perfectly ok for me to continue to give my services just not really belong. My self esteem plummeted and I felt like...what did I feel like?...well, I felt like an outcast. And I was. I am. And you know I am fortunate to be so, who wants to belong to a club that does not want you? Right? Right!
Anyway, I was planning on finishing the last 15 weeks I had originally signed up to do, but last night my darling husband was very kind to me. He calmly sat me down and said that I could return if I really wanted to, we never needed the money it was really always about my feeling like I was contributing something to the world at large more than Macaroni and cheese and diaper changes at home. Not that being a stay at home mother is not noble or wonderful, it is and they are, but sometimes I regretted leaving my working world behind. Anyway he said that I need not push through just to be politically correct because it would be hurtful to all of us to do so. The past week was agonizing for me, for all of us, as I pulled us completely out of the groups we had joined and belonged to for years, classes that the children were in, etc. I did not want to spin my wheels giving time at an organization that was not only not appreciative but down right not wishing to have me there. He told me as my friend, my husband and the father of my kids, watching me hurt for weeks on end just so I could do the right thing was not healthy. He loved me and he knew my heart and knew I was hurt. It is not a rare thing that he tells me or shows me that he loves me, but every now and then his compassion and comprehension for my heart is breathtaking.
SO, clean break and thank you husband for your love and support. I often joke that I am not a functioning member of Stepford and every now and then I need reminding that I should remember that fact myself. I will miss the relationships I thought I had, some I think I may have even actually had, but in reality it is better if I just remember that it is not only OK to be a Mommy at home with my kids, it is noble, it is honorable and it is a priveledge. Thank you, Harry for helping me see that and helping me see me, us and our family first. February 19 Today My Son Is Five.....Today my son is fine, fit and FIVE! I cannot believe it. This time that year, all those years ago, I watched my first ever episode of The Daily Show while I was in Labor in the hospital bed. I know that sounds odd, but I had never seen it before. I was laughing, crying and saying "OW" all at the same time. Since then I watch every day....but that is another story....Course I also needed an Emergency C-Section after 18 hours of labor, so maybe I should let John Stewart know he is responsible....ha ha ha ANYWAY I am reminiscing as I fill out paperwork for new schools. New age comes new stuff and there is all sorts of things I never contemplated that needs to be done. It is crazy. I do not have a baby or even a toddler boy anymore. I have a little boy. He is going to be playing baseball next month....BASEBALL with helmets and gear and stuff! He is a boy. I just cannot believe how fast it has gone. Here....walk with me down memory lane, wont you?
Yes, Five years ago, you made your debut. And in that time you have touched us all. I am lucky to be your Mom and lucky you are my son. I love you so, my sweet baby boy. What a difference 5 years can make...now you run, play, make up great stories and joke....but you are just as loved and loving as ever....Happy Birthday Patrick Harold Pierson!
February 18 Thicker Than WaterThe saying "Blood is thicker than water" was always lost on me. What the heck does that even mean? Well, this weekend, I kinda got it. My son invited his cousin, Jack, my brother's son, to his birthday. He has done it every year, but there has never been an occasion that Jack could come up from So. Cal for the Shin Dig. This weekend he came, and those boys were like peas in a pod. I mean to tell you, they were inseparable, never fought and just plain adored each other. It was cool to see actually, they got each other on every level it seemed and they just seemed to know that they belonged together.
Even the car rides were just fine for these two:
February 16 PARTY!!!!Today is my baby boy's 5th Birthday party!!!! I cannot believe he is FIVE YEARS OLD! His cousin got here on Thursday evening (with my brother, Jim) and it has been absolutely non stop fun! These kids have such a wonderful & special connection. I know they are related, but it seems so primal; they KNOW they belong with each other. No questions asked, they are just a fit!
Yesterday we went to the Seattle Center and rode on rides and such. The only bummer was that the boys were too young to ride the bumper cars, but that did not stop them from trying everything else! Rileyanne especially was up for anything and I mean ANYTHING. Pictures will follow, I cant figure out how to download them at the moment, but it was a blast. Then home for naps and then out to dinner with Nana. Our favorite Thai place in Kirkland called Thin Pan (GET THE GARLIC GREEN BEANS!!! My kids eat two plates of them when we go, we call them Buzz Lightyear Beans and they disappear....we help :) Then to Ben and Jerry's. Such fun!
Now today the circus goes to Aikido and Ballet while I run errands and get everything set for the party. We changed venues to my Mom's party room at her complex because Patrick wanted to show the movie "CARS" to his friends at his party and they have a BIG movie theatre and screen there.
Awesome. FIVE? 5. Really? Really. Where did all the time go? It was loved every minute....they go too fast I am telling you!
February 12 Tooth Fixed...novacaine is for wimps....SO....the novacaine never really set in. We would get a nice peak and be able to work for about 15 minutes on the tooth, but then I would be in agony. At one point the Dr had walked away, leaving only air blowing the vacuous chasm that was my tooth and its 1979 filling so it would dry before he set to work. I was sitting there and noticed the air was cold...REALLY cold...hey that is freaking REALLY COLD AIR...wait is that my nerve? SHould I feel that air? Holy shit this is gonna hurt like a mutha....holy shit thi DOES hurt like a mutha....and that is when it hit.
Panic....dispair...agony...oh old friends how I loathe you.
In my panic, tears racing down m cheek, I got the attention of Misti or Barbie or Sienna or Dawn or whomever was working and walking by..."It hurfs..." she replied, "your hip?" so I tried again, my mouth full of appliance, and air and Lord knows what, "No...my mouf, it hurfs" "Oh that cant be, they have fully numbed you". I roll my eyes, and I guess my panic struck a chord because I was seriously about to strip off the appliance and run screaming.
Still, the Dr, who is officially 12 but darling, was overly nice about it. SO appologetic, which on someone a minute older would have been annoying to add to the pain but on him was sincere and I wanted to tell him it was OK and to ty harder, but it hurt too badly. Apparently I am part of 2% of the population that needs a palate guard/block or some such nonsense. I had tried to tell him I was not numb, but everyone kept adding the novacaine and I keot feeling everything. Work a few minutes, send me through the roof, more novacaine, another peak, it was like chasing the dragon, and another pit of dispair with that horrible torturous pain again. Again, see my fear of dentists....this was NOT cool.
But he was so sweet and it was easy to talk myself out of the panic attack when he was trying so hard. That was comforting. My 1 hour appointment took his whole morning and the other dentist had to pick up the slack, so that sucked for them, but listen when the patient tells you flat out, "Hey I am not numb" maybe you should believe that person...just an idea.
The tooth was molded from a 3D picture of my vacuous hole from a computer screen though. It was rather like having your teeth done by NASA. Then in the back room, which was all new agey and shiny and perfect, just like the two young dentists themselves, was a machine. Drop in a block of porceline and two lasers cut it to be exactly the shape on the computer screen. It was amazing and VERY Logan's Run. I said as much, and even asked where Farrah was and then I KNEW I was officially the Dinosaur because they looked at me blankly and I realized they were too young to know whom I was refering to. They do not remember a time of Peter Frampton and Farrah Faucett posters adorning every teenager bedroom....WOW. I am SO old.
But the tooth still hurts today, the next day. I am wondering if I should call and see what to do.....I am giving it one more night....
SO there you have it. Tooth fixed, kinda...pain gone, kinda, and I am official old as dirt, Official. February 08 OUCH!So....I know that this sounds like the worst sort of extranvegance, but my dentist is still in LA and I am and have been in the Seattle area for over 7 years. I have flown to LA in the past to see Dr. Azar Mehr because he is a dental GOD and because he is so good, kind and just a great guy. We even still exchange Christmas cards and his family is lovely. Have I mentioned my extreme fear of dentists? I think there is actually a real diagnosis that is "Fear of Dentistry" and if so, whatever that number in the DSM is I am it. I should have tee shirts made. It is with that fear that I became ugly and intolerant. When I went to the new dentist, and saw that time had mached on without me while I was living in my nursery with my babies...time left me behind. But that is getting ahead...I am still talking about being scaried of the dentist. I am. Like the way I am scared of spiders and creepy crawly things...desperately afraid.
So you can imagine my panic when, after a few weeks of having a sensitive tooth and hoping it could wait till I could convince my husband we needed a trip to LA would work, my tooth snapped. I knew it was bad, but I still hoped I could do something or ignore it or whatever...just please do not make me look for a dentist....and so here I am. Tooth is pulling a number and screaming at me, "I will not be ignored, Julie" oh great.
So I go to my Mom's dentist who just put in her lovely new teeth. He is a rockstar. He is beautiful. He is 12 years old. When the hell did I become older than my health care professionals? WOrse still, when did I become an age snob? Apparently the fact that I had an urge to take the dentist home and feed him because he was a child was not bad enough. His assistant, whose name was Barbie I think, was even younger and just wholly inappropriate and perky and just, well, a little too sorority for me. THATS IT...this dentistry place was a frat house and I was the crotchety old broad who could not let go of her youth and realize she was a few years shy of AARP proposals....man alive. It was wholly depressing. No one wants to feel old much less be proven without a doubt that they are the old broad. Geez. Still, darling Miss. Dental assistant was very nice and kind but just did not get why I turned down coffee and tea while I waited for Dr.Rockstar to appear...um, who wants to go inside Caffiene mouth? So I said, "I am sure he would rather I did not." I thought I was being funny but I got that look...you know the look...we all gave it to our "elders" when they were being "Wierd" or "Qiuppy" or whatever...it was something like, "Oh, ok, whatever, what do you know, you are old" kinda look. Ho hum.
At any rate we found what was wrong. Dr. Rockstar (who is DARLING and SO cute but just makes me feel creepy because he is 12 and I am sure I could have baby sat him or maybe even taught him English) saw it with a camera on a snake. I had a cavity filled long ago...oh we will say in like 1979. I know it was before 1986 at any rate, I can still see Dr. Turner's shark teeth on the wall (he was my childhood dentist and he was an Marine Biologist on the side which I thought was SO cool and distracted me from my unnerving fear of all he was and all he was doing). It was a LONG ass time ago at any rate. We know this because of the alloy they used, it must have been something like melted down car ash tray or something equally disgusting because Dr. Rockstar was full of disgust when he saw that it was in his prestine Ferrari of a dentist office. "You know we dont use that stuff any more. Here is why, do you see on the Xray how under it you had a cavity? It was under the metal and it blew out the side of your tooth. Now, we could do a crown, but I think we can get away with a porcelin filling if it does not have any more damage. Lets look at my schedule...." Here is where I walk with Barbie, or Britanny, or whatever Miss. 21 year old sweetie pie's name is. She was so cute and bubbly it was just WAY too early. Seriously though, while he was working on me teeth the phone rang and she actually said, "If it rings again I am letting the service get it. It is just too much effort to walk out to the front office to answer it again." WHat the? Could you EVER imagine saying that to a boss much less when a client was in the room? I was thinking VERY loudy that Dr. Rockstar needed to hire people older than teenagers to man his rock star office of Ferraris and Porche's but I was afraid they would ask me to spell these things because they had a spelling test that day after homeroom....I am horrible, but they were just so young. I felt like I was in a learning lab.
ANyway the earliest appointment was in March. Uh uh. Dr. Rockstar helped, he fit me in next Wednesday at 4 pm and suggested I use sugarless gum to hold the tooth together while I waited and ate carefully because more damage would neccesitate a crown. Are you kidding me? Bubble gum? "Well, or you could use a starburst...ha ha ha" He actually said that. I am sure he was being cute, but it just capped the whole day. I was with children and they needed a hall monitor. I am calling other dentists now, which I am sure comes as a GIANT shock...not. I understand the draw here, the desperate housewives who go in in their velour hoodies with catchy names written across their gym inspired "wishing we were 16 again" asses and starbucks cups perpetually attached in their left hands with they car keeys and COACH bags in the right. You know the type: their hair tipped and long, red, airbrushed porcelin nails holding a bedazzled cell phone and FENDI oversized glasses while their older children go to the orthodontist down the hall. They pop in for a bleaching with Dr. Rockstar and his perpetually young office staff of sweet darling honeys. I get it. I just dont want it. It is going to cost $1000 for the provledge to feel like a walking dinosaur on a sinking ship full of undesirables cast away because they were not ready to party all the time and could not keep up with the Intramural sports of the hip 20 something and fabulous set. Luckily I have friends here and will call around. Hopefully someone else will be able to see me before Wednesday. If not, I will have more fodder for the blog from Dr. Rockstar and his tanning bed partner. If I can hold out, I almost feel like an anthropologist who stumbled onto a tribe of wild LORD OF THE FLIES post greek fraternity guild. Fascinating but still discerting and almost painful. A few games of hide and go seek with my babies will cure me of the "oldies" I am feeling, but I am afraid I have seen into my own soul and now know I am an agist snob who only wants Dr's to be older than me and a whole lot more professional in their office appearance....hey man I am spending a grand, I could do a LOT with that money, you better make me feel secure. But for a drop of clinginess, if I could just fit in, maybe some of their youth would rub off....oh crap...they are Denistry Vampires and they are recruiting! If you look me up and see me fitting in with the Stepford set you know it was in the novacaine! Oh my goodness I bet that is it! Let this journaltell the tale...Curse you Stepford!
I sound so crotchity and paranoid.... When DID that happen????
February 07 Creative PlayRileyanne: "What are ya doing, Bubba?" *(she calls Patrick Bubba and always has. He has flatly stated that as long as he lives she is the only one permitted to do so)
Patrick: "Makin' a fort"
Rileyanne: "Oooh...need help?"
Patrick: "Sure, you do the clean up and lift that thing over there...Oh Riley, there it is, no not that one THAT one....oh I will get it"
Meahwhile Riley sits on the fort like a queen and asks
Rileyanne: "Can you hand me my drink?"
Ha ha ha. He started asking her to clean and she turned it around on him. I was cringing but now I am laughing. She is such a toughie. Forts are big around here. No matter which room we are in, the couch pillows become forts. I remember forts. The ammount of cooperation it takes is staggering and I do not remember that though.
Rileyanne: "Oh, Bubba...I am stuck!"
Patrick: "DOnt worry, RIley, I will save you! Here I come!" and he dives into the fort, forcing even more pillows down upon her...now they are both stuck and covered in pillows...
Patrick: "SUper Patrick, POWER UP!" and he punches a hole in the pillows and crawls out with his sister behind him
Rileyanne: "Bubba, you saved me, you a hero! Thanks Bubba! Let's dance!"
Patrick: "I am going to the roof to check for more survivors, you play on the playground where it is safe...you be careful because I have work to do! DOnt you like playin' with me?"
Rileyanne: "Yup! Go get 'em Bubba!"
I could listen for hours. Wouldn't you? February 05 Remembering KenyaAs we go about our daily lives, and hear less and less about the struggles of others, it is easy to forget that there is still horrible acts of terrorism around the globe. Not too long ago I did a giving campaign to help a friend of mine who is a Catholic Nun in the Arch Diocese of Machakos in Kenya, Africa. When the news his of the unrest there, I followed it faithfully till I heard she was ok, and when I did, I admit I breathed a sigh of relief and went on to suburban house life. SInce the news never reported more strife to me here in Washington State, I assumed it had blown over. It has not and people are still dying. Here is what I heard from Sistr Bernadette today:
Dear Julianne,
Greetings and love from me. I amtrying to be ok. In your last letters you asked me two different questions and I would like to answer them now. Sorry for not answering immediately. You asked me if the WEI have send temoney you raise. I could not answer immediately because there is a report they were waiting from me inorder tosend the funds. I send some information tothem andtoday Iamsending the remaining report. I hope after they receive my report they will send the money and I will notify you immediately. The money will be very useful to the poor who need education. So once I get everything ready I will let you know. Second question was about the situation in kenya and what more help you can give other than prayers. Thank you for this. Just to share a little bit with you. This is a very hard moment for me and for allof us here. Although the area where Iam we are not experiencing war,we are badly affected by the situation. A few minutes ago I was packing food and clothes forthe displaced people so that a lorry can take to the affected areas. Our office being the central office of Developement for the Diocese, we getall kinds of cases. My Bishop is the Chairman of Caritas Development and emergency office Of the Catholic Church in kenya.So what is happening in Kenya, his emergency office has to look for funds and any assistance towards the displaced people. When his office is affected we are all affected. What I am saying is that we badly need help to give to these people. Whatever helpypu can get even if it is one Dollar,it canhelp a dying child/woman/man/youth etc. I ould appreciatesuch. If I get any help we will send it to the people the way we are doing with the local contribution given by people here. If we get something fromyou we can buy food for the small babies who are dying of hunger. The others are also dying but one is touched more by the babies. When somepeople were moved from those affected areas, they come ome and land in our offices for help. So you can imagine how stressful the situation is. But I know when Ihave a friend like you who loves and cares and above allwhoprays for me, I have no doubts God will help us. I think I have answere your question but in soman words. Sorry aboutthat. Sr Bernadette When I sent money, I sent it through the Womens Enterprises International so that my funds would be matched by Microsoft. I will be contacting them to see if they will be handling relief efforts to these people soon. Sending money directly to Sister Bernadette is a bad idea as it would gt lost or confiscated along the way. I will post later with contacts in case you are interested in helping her help the people in her area.
February 04 I Love You Mama, You Da Queen"You know what, Mommy? I like you." Says a sleepy Patrick
"Well, sweet boy, I love you...(singing from his favorite book, I Love You Forever) I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"
Patrick: "Mama, will you sing it again?"
I can, I do, I did.
Patrick: "Mama, I love you forever too....you're the best mommy ever"
MUST remember these little nuggets. Must must must.
Riley: "I like you, Mommy, you a girl like me...we princesses!"
Me: "Well, you are a princess, I am a queen"
Riley: "What a Queen?"
Patrick: "It means she makes the rules and spends the money"
Riley: "Ooohhhh...."
Me: "Uh oh" |
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